This is what I keep asking myself…

What now?

The YTT is coming to an end and I am very emotional about it. Extremely emotional (which is me most days anyway..).

I know that I am placing unnecessary stress and unrealistic expectations on this What Now diagnosis. Yes, it has a name. I have diagnosed myself with the What Nows. What is my plan of action? What do I do with my knowledge and newfound awareness? I often hear people talk about the little voice in their head. You know that “life changing and impactful” inner voice? Sometimes I wonder where did my little voice go?

I do know this voice “I am not ready.” And that is the ego voice. Am I that oblivious and stubborn to not listen to my soft inner voice? To embrace it?

Or… am I just not ready. I don’t know. I know that is ok, however, I want so badly to know the answer to the What Now…Truth is I do hear this inner voice whispering to me, but the EGO voice is still louder.

In the meantime, in my What Now state of paralysis – I will continue the path of practicing yoga on and off the mat, and maybe I will put teaching yoga on a shelf for awhile and not give it so much meaning. I don’t know.

I LOVE to create and the downside to that is I CREATE a lot of unnecessary worries and mind stuff. It is as though I am pushing away what I want most. I make it very hard to follow a passion when I only invite what I did wrong into the conversation and not including what I did right. There is also this block – The idea making a living doing and practicing something I am passionate about and sharing my knowledge to others seems unattainable. In class I was given some feedback (see picture above) on my energy and that is -the white represents uncertainty, not truly living from authenticity. She mentioned I am not giving and receiving, to which I vehemently deny. I do give. I receive. But this is what I missed. She meant I give A LOT, but I am not giving what I want to give… I receive too, but I am not allowing myself to receive what I want. Conflicted.

On my YTT journey, I have learned two words that I LOVE! They are etched in my brain and one day I will etch them into my skin. (Sorry mom!)

One is SANTOSHA (pronounced Santosa). Doesn’t have a nice ring to it? I like to whisper it. Santosha-Santosha-Santosha. It means gratitude, contentment/ being at peace with yourself and now. Wikipedia says it best “Santosha is the habit of being able to accept circumstances one finds self in, without being upset, of accepting oneself, and of equanimity with others who are balancing their own needs as they share what they have. Santosha is also abstaining from taking and consuming something to excess, even if its appearance makes it tempting.”  I have heard it be called EGO’s opposite. I like that.

I also like the word VIVEKA. There is no other way to say it without it sounding razor sharp. Try it! VIVEKA! VIVEKA! VIVEKA! It means wisdom, knowledge and the intellectual ability to discriminate, or discern, between the real and the unreal, true and false, good and evil. Viveka is the ability to obtain sharp perceptions (no pun intended) or to judge well.

Another reason I like these words is because when I practice Santosha and Viveka they will free me of my What Now diagnosis. When? I don’t know. And that is ok.

So What Now? Santosha, Santosha, Viveka Viveka…to be continued.

See you on the flip side.

In the meantime enjoy this wonderful song. I feel it translates to what I’m saying beautifully. https://open.spotify.com/track/70K0ezmzYEZeqoSaZMyP7o

Peace –

M